Jake Smith, a self-proclaimed mad scientist and former physics professor, has been buying up all the fireworks he can find on the west coast in an attempt to create a kugelblitz, a black hole made of light, and ride it to Mars during the Fourth of July celebrations.
Smith, who was fired from his university for conducting unethical and dangerous experiments, claims that he has devised a way to focus the energy of thousands of fireworks into a single point in the sky, creating enough heat and pressure to warp spacetime and form an event horizon. He also claims that he has built a rocket-powered car that will allow him to fly into the kugelblitz before it evaporates, hoping to use it as a wormhole to teleport to Mars.
“I’ve always been fascinated by black holes and kugelblitzes,” Smith said in an exclusive interview with The Onion. “They are the ultimate expression of nature’s power and beauty. I want to create one as a tribute to America’s independence and scientific prowess, and also as a gateway to explore the solar system.”
Smith said that he has spent over $10 million of his own money to buy fireworks from various sources, including online retailers, smugglers, and illegal vendors. He said that he has rented several trucks and vans to transport and store the fireworks in secret locations across California, Oregon, and Washington.
He also said that he has recruited a team of loyal followers who share his vision and are willing to help him execute his plan. He said that he has designed a special device that will synchronize and detonate the fireworks remotely from a safe distance.
“The device is a masterpiece of engineering,” Smith said. “It uses GPS, radio signals, and quantum entanglement to coordinate the fireworks in perfect harmony. It will create a spectacular show that will dazzle and awe everyone who sees it.”
Smith said that he plans to launch the fireworks from various points along the west coast on July 4th. He said that he expects the kugelblitz to form at an altitude of about 10 miles above the ground, where it will be visible to millions of people.
He said that he has modified an old car with a rocket engine and a parachute, which he will use to fly into the kugelblitz as soon as it forms. He said that he believes that the kugelblitz will act as a wormhole that will transport him to Mars in a matter of seconds.
“I’ve done the calculations and simulations,” Smith said. “The kugelblitz will have just enough mass and charge to create a stable wormhole that will connect to Mars. I’ve also prepared a survival kit with food, water, oxygen, and a radio transmitter. I’m ready for this adventure.”
Smith said that he is not worried about the potential dangers or consequences of creating a black hole on Earth or flying into it.
“The kugelblitz will be very small and harmless,” Smith said. “It will evaporate almost instantly due to Hawking radiation. It will not affect the gravity or the atmosphere or anything else. It will just be a beautiful sight to behold. And as for me, I’m confident that I’ll make it to Mars safely and soundly. I’ve always wanted to go there.”
Smith said that he hopes that his experiment will inspire people to appreciate science and nature, and to pursue their dreams no matter how crazy they may seem.
“I’m doing this for science, for art, and for America,” Smith said. “This is my gift to the world. Happy Fourth of July, everyone!”